How working on myself resulted in a blog
In January 2019, I hit my own personal rock bottom. This "rock bottom" was mostly an internal experience. Words like despondent, frustrated, tense, and discouraged are good enough descriptions of how I felt. My thoughts were either stuck in the past with all of my "should haves" (i.e., should have done, should have said) or in the future with all of the stories I was making up. I can be such a good storyteller.
You see, I was struggling with some big life change and life choices at the same time. I was experiencing loss, self-doubt, and the unknown future. I didn't know how to grieve for the death of my father, I had given away all of my power at work, and my husband and I were trying to planning for a future after adoption. (Note: We are still waiting.) What I didn't see coming within the next few months were the deaths of my "Nana," one of the most prominent and important women in my life, and our Cavalier King Charles spaniel, who passed suddenly in my arms in the middle of the night. Needless to say, this period of time in my life really fucking sucked. This, of course, is my professional opinion.
In January 2019, I also made a commitment to myself to craw out of this hole that I found myself in, and in many ways dug myself. I committed to taking my relationship with my coach seriously, finding a therapist, and joining separate group coaching. Months later, I also committed to embarking on coach training myself. I can't articulate the unique contribution that each one made, but in combination, the results were transformative. "Transformative" is a big word. Beyond its 14 letters and 4 syllables, this words describes an awakening and connection to myself and others that was not present for the 35 years prior.
So, what happened? These changes happened: I defined who I am and what's important to me, I let go of attachments, and I focused on the present moment. Each one of these require their own post, but here's a sneak peek:
Defining who I am and what's important to me: Through my coaching relationships and coach training, I have been able to define my life purpose (well, current iteration), my values, and my helpful and disruptive inner crew members. My crew members are my internal story tellers who either build me up or take me down.
Letting go of attachment: By paying attention to those stories I told myself, I was able to understand the beliefs that I held held closest. It became clear that I formed attachments with being right, knowing an outcome, and not failing. By letting go of these attachments, I've been able take larger risks and remove most of my battle armor.
Being Mindful: I realized that I have been a prisoner of my mind, replaying the past and predicting the future. I had been half-assing the present. By shifting my focus to now, have been able to acknowledge when I get carried away with my thoughts. I've been able to focus on my body and my emotions. In other words, I have gotten out of my head and into my heart.
Through working with one of my coaches, I began a daily writing practice: write for 30-45 minutes on weekday mornings. I experimented with many prompts and structures - none of which worked well for me. To me, journaling is about writing for myself. Deep inside, I knew I'd rather write for others. This was the genesis of this blog: to practice communicating to you.
I suspect that themes in my writing will emerge over time - I've let go of having to know what my content strategy will be or writing the right words. Both of these are self-imposed barriers that prevent me wrong publishing anything. On this website, done is better than perfect.
Enjoy 🙂
